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sad to say JIM McKAY died. he was a local guy to us. Miss your voice old buddy.
*************
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.
"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us.
"Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man.
"I have to...go" he said."Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a dish towel?"
*************
*'Lizard Birth'
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we s! aid we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear bri! efly, v anishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal throug! h a mag nifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just ... just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believin! g that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little.... '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
*Lizards lay eggs!
*************
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Baltimore showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Baltimore at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Baltimore Souls are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
**********
Another employment change notice from your employer, indicating it's time for a new job:
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks’ notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
***********
Things I learned living in Texas .
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. "Jaw-P?" means "Did ya'll go to the bathroom?"
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. "fixinto" is one word.
10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two & we do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
13. The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?".
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. "No. Jew?" is a common response to the question "Did you bring any beer?"
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a "DAWG" is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup..
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a bit warm".
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally World".
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.
*************
A 6 year-old tells his 4 year-old brother 'You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval.
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' ok?' The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let you out.'
-- She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios
*************
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
*********
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John,
"this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.
"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
**********
Guys New Rules For 2008
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There is a
good reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. It's because
you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
Captain of the football team is doing these days. He mows my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served out of a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky little bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the grocery. Water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it
translates to 'chicken with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting
out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want, and making other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving. It's White people's version of
looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months: '27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God' s sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying 'Do you want fries with that?'
***************
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
**********
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
no teddy bears, no hearts, no rainbows, no angels-
( Bible angels are NOT babies! )
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants:
everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
then get depressed because you can only think of 2.
***********
Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from it's death throes? He's now 82 years old and has a new book, and here are some excerpts...
Lee Iacocca Says:
"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening?
Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder.
We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car.
But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course"
Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom
-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the " America " my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.
I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest "C" is Crisis! (Iacocca elaborates on nine Cs of leadership, crisis being the first.)
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis.
It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask:"Where have all the leaders gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense?
I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina.
Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again.
Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies?
How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debit, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem.The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity.What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break.
Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough?
Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope I believe in America .
In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America 's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the "Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the "Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.
If I've learned one thing, it's this:
"You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play.
"That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America . It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had "enough."
Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and care about. It's our country, folks; and it's our future. Our future is at stake!
*************
What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ...
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:
----------------------------------------
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
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'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
----------------------------------------
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
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'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
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'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
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'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
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'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
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'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
----------------------------------------
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
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'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
----------------------------------------
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
----------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
----------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
----------------------------------------
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
----------------------------------------
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
----------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
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'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
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And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
----------------------------------------
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on Nov. 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now, there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands, and there are stores in Belgium, Luxemburg and Germany.
In June of this year, HEMA was sold to the British investment company Lion Capital.
Take a look at HEMA's product page. It's in Dutch and you can't order anything, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens...the company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer:
Let the web site load and watch and enjoy ......
Click here: HEMA - online winkelen <http://producten.hema.nl/>
*************
Lone Ranger" Story
Click here: YouTube - Jay Thomas' "Lone Ranger" Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhB4kDwZ
*****************
enough for this week.
see you next week !!! have a good one !!
